2005-05-24 - 5:19 p.m.
5/24/05
it’s funny to be where i find myself right now. cut free, i suppose is an appropriate phrase... i bought a car. i have absolutely no friends left here in this corner of the world, the last of them either moving on to the big city, or slipping away to far reaches of the globe, finding their way to places that i cannot even spell, or simply taking their bow and walking off my stage. i have no romantic prospects. my siblings seem to be well on their way to wherever it is that they are going, and my parents’ relationship appears to be at a standstill. all the reasons i had for staying here are gone.
so i’m moving to california. a funny place for someone like me to move, i know, but r. is moving there and needed someone to live with, so i thought, “why the hell not?” i don’t imagine that i’ll stay too long. but long enough to learn how to surf, to enjoy my little convertible, and get fed up with the silly west coast lifestyle. i’ll be in santa barbara, which, i’ve been told, is really very lovely - vineyards and such.
my new sense of freedom, however, has not come without some anxiety. until now, i think i have been guilty of simply letting my life happen to me. i haven’t really made too many overt and deliberate decisions. and while i have not been entirely happy with the result, it did not come with any of this nervous energy that i now find running in my bloodstream. i will be so far from home. so far from my friends. i won’t even catch myself waiting for someone to call... and not having a built-in social structure to foster new relationships, i will have to learn how people manage in a city.
rach will be there, of course. and that will be incredible. we’ve not spent more than a week together since we lived in ottawa, i don’t think. but it’s dangerous to rely too heavily on one relationship.
how odd. but really, i am quite excited to see how i’ll fare. you will have to come visit me. i’ll take you for a ride in the miata. we’ll walk on the beach. we’ll have some good wine.
