2005-02-17 - 8:07 p.m.
...suffer us not to mock ourselves with falsehood...
back again (with a brand new addition?) just kidding. that was the cultural influence speaking. once again, i have not written for a while. i think that may be because i'm needing it less - "it" being the outlet, the pressure valve, or whatever this has been. I suppose that some of the reason that i have not written as often, has been the simple lack of access to #1 a computer and #2 enough time alone with the keyboard to write anything worth saying.
i cannot believe that it has been an entire year since my confirmation. incredible. ash wednesday has come and gone again, only this time i am watching from the inside. no matter what anyone says, i am so glad to have a home. there are difficulties associated with the complacency that comes from being on this side of the decision, but in general i don't think that i've made a better decision in my life. it's like a tether... and something my flighty, bohemian nature craves that stability. the mass is like breathing - the regularity of it, the commonplaceness of it, the homeliness and tangible nature of the thing. it has become one of those thing that i don't notice until it is gone, like air or sunlight.
i have begun to read again. i have finished the idiot, and have less pages than i have fingers left before i finish the everlasting man. i am also reading painting and reality by etienne gilson.
i suppose that i ought to admit to everyone that i copped out (again) on getting into school next semester. i cannot even say why, but there it is. i'm trying not to be too depressed about it. but i'm thinking of moving to d.c. or toronto in the fall. i mean, really, why not. i actually have a writing job that i could take with me and maybe it would take some of the bite out of being single, and overly intelligent but underly academic for the general population. or perhaps that is too flattering. let us just say, overly obscure in my interest but not disciplined enough to get myself back into school. yes, i suppose that is more like it.
have i told you that my protege is going to be published by the end of next year? that's right. not just an article, either. she's going to write a book, under the tutalage of one of her prof's... how embarrassing to be outdone by one's protege. on the other hand, it's terribly flattering as well. well done, nona.
i saw a's new website. he really is gifted. and if he does not share his gift with the world, i think he may have some explaining to do at the end of his days. not all of us are good. but some of us, God gives the ability to inspire others to goodness and the almost unbearable glimpse of himself. i think, perhaps, that dostoyevsky was one of those; and so is a. so write. create. the world will get it one day. i promise.
to everyone else i would like to say that i love you. you probably don't feel it, because i am a bad person. and not only a bad person, but a bad person with not much to say. but please believe that i love you nevertheless. you have filled my life with beauty and laughter. please don't think that i have forgotten. i just cannot bear to tell you that i have nothing to say right now.
