2003-12-09 - 6:05 p.m.
all of these things held up in vain...
no reason, no rhyme, just the scars that remain,
of all of these things, i'm so much afraid, scared out of my mind by the demons i've made...
i'm depressed. i hadn't meant to write but i read a.'s journal and i felt strangely better to know that i'm not the only one. i get so tired of having to pretend to be okay for everyone who is. m. has been calling for a couple days, and i'd love to talk but i have nothing to say. i feel nearly paralyzed by this darkness. and what is there to say? i cannot muster the momentum it will take to get my ass into grad school next year. i'm working in a job that is meaningless. i have no really meaningful relationships here to speak of, except ex-boyfriends and their friends, or sisters and their friends, or estranged parents and their friends. but i just keep thinking this has to pass. and it's not passing.
i'm reading henri nowen, though. he's incredible. his writings are like permission to cry and a voice in the darkness saying it's okay to fall apart...
