2003-09-29 - 7:00 p.m.
"and so, what is God saying to you?" he asked from his perch on the swing next to me. it was dark and late and i could not see my friend, which made the awkwardness of the question less offensive somehow and prompted my uncharacteristically candid answer.
it has been long years since i'd felt the face of God turned deliberately toward me in distinct communication. it's not that i have felt abandoned or that i doubt the reality of God. i don't; i am aware of Him everwhere and His grace continually creeps in through the seams of my life. it's just that i've put myself on the outside. maybe i encountered the mystery and the terror of the Almighty and i left by the back door, content to listen at the window when i know i won't be caught. because to remain in relationship with this Presence, unguarded, takes more courage than i can muster.
i told him this. and all the rest, as well, in all its hideous glory. perhaps he was shocked; but he didn't try to give me advice or answers. he smiled and told me i'd be fine.
maybe i will.
