2002-20-23 - 8:17 p.m.
so i sit here in our storm and drink a toast...to the slim chance of love's recovery.
(ahhhhhh... what to say? it's been a while since i've had any time to sit here and think about anything. i suppose that's what it's like living with a family. there's always someone looking over your shoulder. and while i probably ought to share some of these thoughts with the fam, i don't think right now is exactly the right time. besides, i'm sure they know most of it anyway.)
so the "queen" is scheduled to arrive in a couple weeks. and the funny thing is, i don't know what to think... i should be excited, and in some ways, i suppose i am, but really, i don't much care anymore. how cold is that? maybe my heart is just preparing for the inevitable break, to be the one rejecting and not being rejected (though, she may have gotten the jump on me there)...
but then, i have to think how sad. it was with r. that i learned to love, that i learned the beauty of friendship - its ethereal capacity to grow a person, to teach them about disinterested love, to pull a solitary and self-contained person out of themself and into a terrifying vulnerability... i am sorry to see it falling apart like so much else in my life. but what can a person do? much of the trouble comes from the fact that she (my best friend) doesn't really know me. she knows only the parts of myself that i have felt at liberty to uncover. there is so much about me that has no correspondence to her experience of the world, and so how do you tell someone about things that they can't understand? the other reason that this person i've loved best in all the world (my family excepted) doesn't know me is that i really don't think she ever wanted to. she's been so caught up in her personal suffering that she never thought to ask about mine. the same reason that she doesn't know about our friend the jester - she simply never asked... and so what does this all signify? really, i don't know. maybe we just need time to heal, the both of us, so that we have the capacity to love.
_________________________ (i cannot get this entry to post, written 10/28/03)
breathing a little deeperlife comes back in small snatches. i realized the other day that i am less angry than i have been. i took the dog for a walk, smoked a clove, and found that the silence that had been filled by all the imaginary conversations that i wish i would have had, was instead filled with... well, nothing. i was quiet. i talked to the dog. i thanked God for His infinited patience and i laughed at myself. don't get me wrong, i still have much to say, but i no longer hate.
i think that running has been good for me. i'm breathing more deeply, feeling my body do something dynamic and exhausting and pointless... i'm watching the leaves turn color and the land settle in for its annual hibernation. i've stopped trying to frantically read every obscurely intellectual book i can get my hands on (i can't seem to fasten my attention to anything for longer than a few hours, anyway) and i'm playing the guitar - not well, but i am playing it...
mostly, i'm just watching the world go by and being perfectly content to do so.
then she left. i haven't heard from her since.
