2002-12-03 - 8:32 p.m.
shut the f--- upso i swore at my father. i realize that this is a childish way to deal with things. but i had to make him hear me and i don't think he would have otherwise.
he pulled the "stop being so emotional" shit with my mother the other night, when she, after 25 years of marriage, was finally so frustrated, angry, and hurt that she yelled at him. you would have to understand my family to know how out of character this is. for my entire personal history, it has been my father who raged and stormed, while my mother was the voice of calm. well, when my mother finally broke, all the sudden, my father donned his "rational male" persona, that conscending, shrug-off that men pull out when it suits their purposes. odd, that the volume of his voice never seemed to indicate that he was being irrational...
so i told him to shut the fuck up.
i don't know that i've ever seen my father so mad. he stepped up to me, shoved his face within an inch of mine, like you might do just before a bar fight. he wanted to hit me so badly. when he decided that that wasn't an option, he instantly became the poor, bullied, misunderstood man...
i had no concept that life could become like this for me. i am so angry. and i see this everywhere. men are pigs. and i mean that like i've never meant it before. i am so tired of the way that the world runs...
i recently re-read lancelot and i'm thinking of writing a book or a screenplay myself. it will be something like lancelot, fight club, and the boondock saints... only written from the perspective of a girl. should be interesting. tonight, i mentioned this idea to the Boy; and he instantly assumed that i was going to write some kind of love story... the thought had not even crossed my mind. it is incredible how angry i am right now. i love my father but i hate so much of what he stands for. i hate his domineering and bullying chauvinism. i hate the hypocrisy and whitewashing. i hate that my father is no closer to knowing God than i am and that he is congratulated and honoured in the christian world, as if he were some kind of model for the rest of the male spirituality. i hate that he is so proud that he won't be honest with anyone, most of all himself. i hate that he is so selfish that he cannot and will not see how he has hurt everyone in his family, especially his wife. he is so busy making excuses and defenses that he won't even consider the validity of what is being said to him. i hate the unarticulated but quite evident belief that women are sub-human, housekeeping sexual apparatus. i hate the lurking belief that marriage vows primarily affect the woman, as if her chastity and fidelity were the only important clauses in the thing. (women should be submissive, faithful, et cetera) what would happen if woman permitted themselves as many emotional entanglements as men permit themselves sexual fantasies? i hate that my father did not protect me from a boy who nearly destroyed me simply because he was either so caught up in his own "issues" that he didn't have time to care or he felt comfortable with the thought that i was dating someone with all the same problems he did. i hate that he hasn't taken care of my mother, that he's made her feel small, weak, useless, unattractive. i HATE that. i hate that she's done nothing but love and give and he's done nothing but take and use, with the exception of providing money enough to keep the standard of living afloat, though just barely... i'm tired.
