2002-12-02 - 8:26 p.m.
quod visem placeti went back to visit my alma mater last month, a trip which was surprisingly refreshing. it's incredible the difference a little bit of freedom makes in one's perspective. the simple knowledge that i could leave whenever i pleased opened my eyes to the beauty and quaintness of hillsdale that had escaped my notice while i served my sentence there. i also had the wonderful experience of remembering all the great times i had there, all the people to whom i owe part of who i've become. when i left michigan last spring, i could not wait to shake the dust from my feet and never look back. and really, i haven't, unless it's been to try to explain why i hate politics and men. but my time there was great, in a quiet, ghost-haunting-its-own-home, kind of way. i had an indescribable evening with the whalens, whom i love and respect more than ever. if i am ever to believe in the possibility of real and honest love between man and woman, or in the ability to blend the joys of academia with the strange blessings of everyday life, it will be because of them. i also spoke with quite a few of my other professors whose faith in my abilities has re-inspired me to pursue the things that i love.
then, in the same week, i had the first... wait, no... the second major fight i've ever had with a close friend. interestingly, both of these blow outs have been with meredith, who i have apparently offended by not paying enough attention to her. and i suppose she's right. i am a jerk. i don't write. i don't call. hell, i don't even return phone calls. and then i was late for dinner... and all the righteous indignation of meredith culbertson burned against me. and i know she loves me. but she wants something from me that i can't give right now. and demanding it from me will not help. in fact, the mere intimation that i owe her something in our relationship makes me want to run far, far away.
i feel like i've become a very ugly person. and there's nothing i can do about it
