2002-09-24 - 4:00 p.m.
the summer's beginning to give up her fightso i think that i've come out from under the weight of feeling that i need to justify myself to myself and to everyone else, especially the people who've demanded that i do so, not knowing me and certainly not loving me.
the days have been unendingly beautiful here. every morning i wake up expecting to see the gray ceiling that usually sits over washington return, and every morning it is as if the basement door of heaven has been negligently left open and there is glory falling out over everything. the trees are on the brink of turning toward brilliance, like the moment before the funeral pyre bursts into flame. it has been years since i have been in this place for this season of the world and the presence of these long forgotten smells and sensory impressions have made me remember the "me" who used to belong here.
i spoke with my friend the other day, the one with whom i have not spoken for months and whose gaping absence had left a hole in my life like a missing finger. it was good to hear her voice. and it was good to breech the chasm. but i think perhaps it has been good to have been significantly hurt by her, as well. it has added a sense of reality to my love that did not before exist. though i love her, she is not perfect. and that is okay. my heart cannot expect that. she is, after all, made of the same stuff that i am.
and i've said good-bye to other of my friends. not permanently, but i've let them go in my heart, to grow, move on, whatever they need to do.
and i think that i am beginning to discover a place for me. here. now.
