2002-08-29 - 3:40 p.m.
where are you going
with your long face falling down?
so i'm not really sure exactly how this will work, whether i will write to anyone in particular or simply cast my musings into the imaginary space between myself and whatever audience i may have, like so much bread on the proverbial water. i have a few demons to exorcize, a few axes to grind, and perhaps once in a while i will say something beautiful and important.
i find myself in a strange place. coming back to the real world has been a harder adjustment than i had thought. it's been a while since i have experienced the kind of loneliness that one feels coming out of academia. on the one hand, i have no desire to follow some of my more educated friends into the ever-popular self-indulgent binge of existential angst, irrelevant philosophizing, and quasi-intellectual snobbery. on the other, i have little or no reference point from which to communicate importantly with the people who live and work in what we call 'the real world'. as soon as i slip and use a four syllable word, i've alienated myself. so i stick to non-threatening subjects... like the weather. or gardening. or cooking (which i've been doing a lot of recently...).
it is also difficult because my family seems to be battling its way through the rough terrain of middle age. this is not exactly something that many people understand, as most families are not as close as we are. that, too, has made my journey home more difficult than i had expected. much of this personal struggle i do not feel at liberty to share with my friends. consequently, they have become distant, carving out their own way in the world. also, i am tired in my heart, still tending wounds aquired last year that i am only now beginning to think about.
But in the midst of it all, the world is more beautiful than it has ever been, and the beauty almost breaks my heart at times. I feel a sense of profundity in these times, but i do not know their significance. ahhh, yes. there is enough to keep me busy for a while
