2002-09-25 - 4:01 p.m.
the less i seek my source for some definitive...the closer i am to fine.there are days (most, in fact, if they are properly attended to) in which the very miracle of waking into this peculiar and beautiful world is its own justification, days in which the stumbling into consciousness has the bleary-eyed half-awake quality of a child squinting down the stairs on christmas morning. you knew it would be there, but what a gift! i think that when i have finished this entry i will take my lazy little body out in the sun to greet the coming fall.
i said something earlier about remembering forgotten pieces of myself, of hearing rumors and catching nostalgic glimpses of the girl i used to be before i learned those life lessons that no one ought to have to learn first hand. i'm remembering how to laugh, how to breath deeply and deliberately taste the flavor of the oxygen. i am remembering how to "see" things again, attending to the majesty in everyday. i saw the harvest moon rise from behind the clouds the other night as i returned from my run. i stood and watched it for ten minutes until my body was cold and the night seemed to give me its leave to go about my own business. i'm remembering how to forget myself. sometimes.
when i was younger, i remember specifically praying that God would teach me to love like he loved. i asked that He would give me His eyes to see people as they are and not as they appear. i also asked that He would teach me to forget myself in the middle of it all because i had a suspicion that the element of self-forgetfulness (the lack of self-consciousness) was key to the whole enterprise. and in some respects, i think He answered my petition, because i remember loving like that and coming to a place of, if not self-forgetfulness, then at least coming close. don't get me wrong, i was by no means perfect, i am convinced that the quality that characterized me for so long, my ability to be okay with myself and consequently with others, was a gift. a fragile one and i made the mistake of thinking that it was a inate quality of myself, something that could not be taken away. but as my experience with j. and a. have demonstrated, i was quite wrong. and i certainly am feeling the mistake, though less and less now.
hmmm... how funny. this entry was going to be a list of my favourite things. maybe next time.
ciao.
